When We Lose Our Parents

by Violet Rebecca Jones

I don't know why I am thinking of this today, but it may be perhaps because I am coping with some difficult things at this point in my life, and I wish that my parents were here to give advice, or maybe even just hug me and tell me things will be okay. In any event, both my parents are deceased, and I must face the world without them. But I am not the only person to miss one's parents. There are many people, many younger than me, who must learn to face the world without the guidance, love, and support of those who first loved them. 

My Grandfather and His Stepmother

My grandfather was one such person, and I don't think he ever stopped missing his mother although he had learned to survive and live a good life  without her. My grandfather's mother died when he was a small boy. She had just given birth to my grandfather's youngest sister, and she left behind several children. His father remarried, but the new wife was resentful of her new, ready-made family although she did go on to have numerous children of her own. The sad fact is that my great-grandfather also seemed to resent, and to neglect, his first set of children.

He would tell of how he and his brothers and sister were made to sleep on an enclosed back porch year round without heat, and would recall how cold it would get during the snowy, bitter cold nights of winter.  Meanwhile his half brothers and sisters would sleep inside the house where there was a fire burning all night.  I remember as a child seeing my grandfather's eyes fill with tears, and a cloud of bitterness come over his face as he told this story. He seemed to especially hurt for the pain it must have caused his tiny little sister.  I will never forget this story, and I have always thought of it anytime I hear of a child being abused or mistreated in any way.  

My grandfather was not a wealthy man, but I remember him saying his life would probably have been very different had his mother lived. His father was well respected, not wealthy, but comfortable enough that my grandfather's half-siblings went on to have lives of reasonable financial comfort. However, even they talked of the coldness of their mother, especially to her stepchildren.

I cannot understand how anyone can harm a child, mistreat a child, or even slight a child in a way that makes them feel unloved, unwanted, or somehow less valuable than others.  Children are special with an innocence that makes them pure. As Jesus said,  "Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." ( Mark 10:14)  The pain of his mother's death, and the daily abuse he suffered as a child followed my grandfather throughout his life. He grieved for his mother's death, for the fact that she did not get to raise her children with the love she had for them, and the affect her absence had on all their lives.

Hard Work and Trust in God

My grandfather worked hard on rental farms until he was able to buy his own farm in later years when he was really too old to work it properly. However, he and my grandmother were determined to own their own farm, and they accomplished this before they died. This sense of determination has stuck with me all these years, and it has given me the sense that no matter what hardships one goes through, one must persevere. My grandparents survived the tough years of the depression, both world wars, and often scraped by with almost nothing, but they did survive. They never gave up their love of the Lord, and they gave thanks for what little they had. We may not always have want we want, but He will always give us what we need.  My grandparents lived next door to us as I was growing up, so they were a part of my everyday life.  I miss them so much, but my grandfather taught me, through example, that we must go on with life even when we lose those we love. 

Coping

Although my own parents passed away when I was in fairly young adulthood, I still feel very much like an orphan, and I guess that we all become orphans when our parents die, regardless of our age. We are losing the first persons who loved us. The first persons, and sometimes the only persons, we could trust to always have our best interests at heart.  No matter how old we grow, we will miss that. 

How do we ever overcome the loss of such special persons in our lives? Well, I don't think we ever really overcome the loss, and somehow overcoming seems almost as though we are forgetting their existence in our lives. We overcome bad habits, addictions, and disabilities...not love.  However, we can learn to live full, rich lives with our memories, as our parents would want us to do.   I think we will always miss them, and there will be times when we miss them more than other times. If we were lucky enough to have our parents into our adulthood, we carry within us a vast wealth of knowledge we gained from our parents, and in that sense, they never leave us. But their comforting hand when we are sick, worried, or just tired will always be missed, as will their wisdom of years, their understanding, and their caring love. Somehow we just have to take each day, one at a time, and try to get through it, calling upon our parents' imparted wisdom. 

I remember when I first moved away from home, and experienced being very sick for the first time when my mother was not there to hold my hand, bring me soup, or check my fever.  I called her from far away, and told her how I wished she were there. I remember her telling me to just take one of my hands  into the other one and imagine it was her holding my hand. Somehow doing that gave me comfort, and to this day, whenever I feel the need for her, I hold my own hand and pretend it is her; sometimes I almost feel her presence. Perhaps she is there, touching me from heaven.

The following are some books that address this topic, and help one cope with the loss of parents:

1. How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults by Lois F. Akner

2. The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents by Alexander Levy

3. Mother Grief: A Daughter's Journey from Sorrow to Selfhood by Wende Jowsey

Links to Amazon Books for these titles can be found in the sidebar of this blog. 

Copyright 2014 Violet Rebecca Jones